This is really the last streeeeeeeeetch… I know it’s only 3 more weeks to go officially, but it feels like forever until Abby is here. And it might even be sooner. Not to go into too much details but I’ve been to the doctor and the ‘process’ has started and she seems to be very ready to come out. I’m showing signs of going into labor and we are watching and resting…. Well resting as much as I can. I’m so uncomfortable just sitting is a mission. But so is sleeping and standing and eating and walking and breathing….
I must admit I’m a bit freaking out about the next few weeks. I still have a wedding to do next weekend and I’m not sure if I’m up to it. I do have a back up if I’m not up to it, but back ups cost money and we are saving every cent we can at the moment to make up for the time I won’t be able to work. But I believe there is a plan for this little miracle and that the Lord will provide.
Sky is still very jealous and she’s so aware of my body. She’s aware of every change in my body and comments on it, wants to touch and asks questions. I try to answer her as honest as possible on her level. She seems very excited that there is a baby in my tummy. Let’s hope the excitement stays when the baby actually becomes ‘real’.
I’ve been asking myself this a lot the last while. My biggest wish ever was being pregnant and feeling a baby inside me. My BIGGEST dream has come true and I’m miserable… If is because it’s not as ‘magical’ as what I wished for? Or is it the fact that I’m FREAKING out about having another baby after only adopting Sky less than 2 years ago. I’m going to have 2 children under the age of 2 and I’m not ready. And yes. I have been beating myself up about this. I feel like a spoiled brat that is upset because everything is not going like she planned. In my heart I know that God has a plan. That Abby is part of such an amazing miracle and that our 2 daughters are going to be one amazing power couple. I mean, they are even color coded! 🙂
With all of this going on in my mind and emotions I’ve really been searching deep and I have no idea where and why I lost my joy. This is not me. I have so much to be thankful for – I have an amazing husband, wonderful little girl, a little miracle on the way and wonderful friends.
I find myself having to make a physical decision to be happy. To enjoy this last month. To focus on the fact that I have exactly one month left and then Abby will be here and our lives will change once again and it will be for the better once again. So please excuse me if I’m not always in a good mood. I’m really working on it. But I’m also going to stop beating myself up about it. I’m as big as a house, struggling to walk and I’m still working every day. I suppose I am allowed an hour or so a day to feel miserable. But I’m only allowing myself an hour, then I’m just going to put this big girl panties – and damn they are BIG, on and deal with what life has decided to give me – a pretty damn amazing life filled with people that loves me.