If it makes you happy, why the hell are you so sad?

I’ve been asking myself this a lot the last while. My biggest wish ever was being pregnant and feeling a baby inside me. My BIGGEST dream has come true and I’m miserable… If is because it’s not as ‘magical’ as what I wished for? Or is it the fact that I’m FREAKING out about having another baby after only adopting Sky less than 2 years ago. I’m going to have 2 children under the age of 2 and I’m not ready. And yes. I have been beating myself up about this. I feel like a spoiled brat that is upset because everything is not going like she planned. In my heart I know that God has a plan. That Abby is part of such an amazing miracle and that our 2 daughters are going to be one amazing power couple. I mean, they are even color coded! 🙂

With all of this going on in my mind and emotions I’ve really been searching deep and I have no idea where and why I lost my joy. This is not me. I have so much to be thankful for – I have an amazing husband, wonderful little girl, a little miracle on the way and wonderful friends.

I find myself having to make a physical decision to be happy. To enjoy this last month. To focus on the fact that I have exactly one month left and then Abby will be here and our lives will change once again and it will be for the better once again. So please excuse me if I’m not always in a good mood. I’m really working on it. But I’m also going to stop beating myself up about it. I’m as big as a house, struggling to walk and I’m still working every day. I suppose I am allowed an hour or so a day to feel miserable. But I’m only allowing myself an hour, then I’m just going to put this big girl panties – and damn they are BIG, on and deal with what life has decided to give me – a pretty damn amazing life filled with people that loves me.

 

 

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